I wrote this little piece nearly two years ago when I started bootcamp with the amazing instructor Haydn Edwards at Results Fitness Bootcamp in Mt Martha. I was quite unfit, inflexible and overweight then. I feel remarkably fit and flexible by comparison today. In fact I was measured by the electronic weighing thingy this morning before bootcamp, and it said I have a metabolic age of 40, a chronological age of 51 [and a mental age of 32!]. Thank you for your brilliant instruction Haydn. OK, here is the piece I wrote at the start of this journey:
Haydn – the very ‘hip’ abductor, deserves a vastus medialis for his achievements. He has successfully abducted my unfit heretical nonchalance, and replaced it with a 5:30am sacrum-mental rite of passage, in a vein attempt to make my gluteus maximus look more like a gluteus minimus via a round of lumbar genu–flection, often resulting in a deep and urgent need of anointing with oil by a myothera-priest.
You may think I have an intercostal nerve to be posturing like this, butt all one kneads to do is a bit of lateral abdominal thinking; these are knot difficult quadriceps to grasp. The core strength of Haydn’s motivational message is that we need to shoulder the responsibility to reach our own “major definitive Health and Fitness Goals”. We simply need to be S.M.A.R.T.* and G.A.M.E.R.!*
Are we merely a bunch of colonial squatters, reaching out for assi-stance in the desire to go up a level? – 2B or not 2B? or level 3 even? My Achilles tendon appears to be my left calf muscle: I have met my gastroc-nemesis, and it is directly connected to the pain centre in my brain.
Which reminds me… have you met Haydn’s sister Madge yet? No? Well, you are in for a treat! Bare down with Madge, and watch this clip. She’ll give you a good kick in the buttock. You’ll be totally hooked on phenophonobabametamorphanol… I am!
Oh, and while you wait for it to download, you may like to sing this little ditty as you do your PNF* diagonals (cross-over arms) warm up – you’re not just passively sitting there are you?
Hickory, dickory, Haydn
To cross-armed lads and maidens
“The right hand up
The left hand down”,
Hickory, dickory, Haydn
Still not downloaded? Well, how about revising with this useful quote from the website’s Dis-ORIENTATION MANUAL: Maximally tensed abdominals and obliques can elevate your intra-abdominal and intra-thoracic pressure which fortifies any exertion. This pressure potentiates muscle excitability. When intra-abdominal pressure goes up, you WILL get stronger in every muscle in your body with any exercise”
… got that? Piece of cake (I mean, carrot). So get to it! No butts!